Day 51 and Fighting off the Bitter

I have always thought there are few things less attractive than a bitter woman.  You know, that woman of a "certain age" who has had one too many disappointments, learned one too many hard lessons and had the cat's bum mouth to show for it.  I vowed I would never be like that.  I remember, as a newlywed teenager, hearing my older sister making derogatory comments about men and thinking I would never feel like that.  Take responsiblity for your own choices I say, and live with the consequences whatever they may be.  These thoughts have been on my mind lately.  Whenever I feel that bitter little wave start to creep up I talk to myself and look back and see my own mistakes, the wrong turns that led me to where I am today.  The well intentioned but naive ideas I had about what would make me, and my child, happy back when I was a single mother of a pre-schooler.

Did I expect too much from my marriage and my husband?  What defines a "good" marriage anyway?  Now, as I settle into my newly sober self, I am trying to figure out what is real and what I convinced myself was real.  I know I had a lot of skewed ideas and attitudes under the influence of alcohol.  Do I have to re programme myself now?  Or do I just have to get to know myself again with a clearer mind.  Even seven weeks on I don't feel that my brain is working properly, perhaps it never will again.  I feel like I am still standing back a bit and observing the changes in myself.  I know I am becoming more, what some would call, selfish.  Taking care of my own needs more, not blindly putting my family first ALL the time.  Trying to encourage the kids (who really aren't kids anymore) to be a bit more independent.  I tended to be a bit over the top in doing everything for them when I was drinking to try to compensate I guess. 

Husband bought two bottles of red wine yesterday.  I told him it doesn't bother me at all and it doesn't now.  I even went into the bottle shop with him and looked at those casks of wine and shuddered a bit at the memories they evoked in me.  He sat on his own (he is silly enough sober) last night and drank them.  I hoped he would sleep out here on the lounge but he stumbled to bed some time after midnight and snored and sprawled as he always does when he's drunk.  I have no desire to drink now.  I admit that when I have a run in with one of the kids, or the husband is particularly stupid and hurtful I look for something to escape into, but I just go with that and do something else and know that drinking is not the answer.  To anything.  For anyone.  Ever.

I am living my life, enjoying it for the most part, feeling positive, consuming too much sugar still but that's okay for now, and enjoying not feeling like I am slowly going insane.  In fact I feel like I'm slowly going sane.  How about that? 

On Wednesday I will get my diamond stud earrings out of lay by to celebrate my 50 days sober which was yesterday.  And will choose another piece of jewellery to celebrate the 100.  I am thinking a ring, or a bracelet. 

Day 38 Life Goes On

I used to blog every day back when I had a "normal" blog.  Now I just seem to be so busy and by the time I'm not, I'm so tired.  The days are flying past, which is funny because I figured the past years had flown by because I spent most of them drunk. 

I haven't had any more "near drinking experiences" since my last entry.  I hardly even think about drinking and I'm not sure why.  I really did think it was going to be much, much harder to give it away. 

I actually feel quite vanilla to be honest.  I wonder if it's the anti depressants, which I started taking while I was still drinking.  I remember seeing a poster years ago in a health centre that said "Give your feelings a chance, don't take......" I can't remember what it said to not take now, but some kind of pill I think.  Am I giving my feelings a chance?  Do I even have any feelings?  Now I am writing it I can see that I really don't.  Why?  I used to be the biggest cry baby, I would cry at anything.  I can't remember any tears being shed since this all began 38 days ago.  Although there probably have been. 

I'm probably just tired.  I need to go to the doctor soon to renew my prescription so I might see if I can get the required blood etc tests done.

Day 29 - Mind Games

Last night I was tired.  Again.  I had planned an easy day, but with my renewed energy I just couldn't leave things undone and continued getting the house cleaned and organised, which is a good thing of course.  I feel so much calmer and happier when my surroundings are clean and ordered.  But by day's end I was weary yet restless.  I thought how easy it would be to go across to the IGA and get some booze.  I stood at my bedroom window and looked at the carpark.  The kids were holed up in their rooms, they wouldn't even know if I had wine in my room.  Once I had fed them they probably wouldn't surface again for the whole night, and husband was away working till the early hours of Sunday.  I imagined driving over there, what I would buy, how it would feel to open the bottle (bottles are easier to hide than casks), to pour the wine, to take that first sip.  Then I imagined how angry and disappointed E would be if she found out, how angry and disappointed I would be in myself.  Also, what if someone saw me in the bottle shop?  By law I am not supposed to be in this house within 12 hours of consuming alcohol.  There was a real chance of me going to jail if I was found out.  All of these thoughts, the what ifs, the old justifications, excuses, reasons.  I was surprised and frightened at the way I was thinking after feeling so good these past four weeks.  I guess I worked through it all, and the danger passed and I was okay, and didn't think about drinking again, or want to.  I have however thought about the games my mind played, that I allowed it to play. 

Today I attended an online "voice" meeting on the SMART Recovery US site.  It was amazing, and so, so helpful.  The facilitator was an older man, who has clearly been through it all and knew the programme very well.  I stayed right until the end and will continue to attend as many meetings there as I can and will be looking into the programme.  It is big on CBT which I am very interested in and I think it will help me with the above thought process problems.  I know that I am still not thinking as clearly as I could be, perhaps I never will, I don't know how much damage all these years of drinking to excess has done to my brain and if it can recover at the age I am (55).  I know my body, amazingly, is responding to a healthier lifestyle already.  I will cut down on sugar and caffeine soon, both of these substances held no interest for me while I was drinking, for obvious reasons.  And I know why I am hooking into them now. 

As soon as I get my bank account sorted out, closing my old one and opening a new one here in town, I will start saving for the aged care course I want to start next year.  I left it too late this year and wasn't prepared but I am determined do it.  I love my volunteer work with Meals on Wheels, especially now I am the regular carer on the monthly outings and I want to try to make a career out of working with older people.  I mainly joined MOW just to get me out of the house and as a stepping stone to getting back into paid work, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed working and being with our clients.

On a vainer note (is vainer a word?) I have used the dollars I would have wasted on grog to start to invest in some good quality skin care after years of using supermarket brands.  Which of course served me well during my younger years, but I am enjoying the benefits already of a good day cream, night cream and eye serum.  I swear I only look 54 1/2!

Day 26 - Tiredness

Was woken up at 5am by J with stomach pains, he is a drama king, which makes it very hard to know when he is really sick.  He has every medical test known to man, and while he does have a small hiatus hernia, and the doctor told him he needs to exercise and eat healthily (he does neither) I don't think the pain is caused by that but by his appalling diet.  I cook meals from scratch every day, and include lots of fresh vegetables, and there is always fresh fruit and healthy food available but you can lead a horse to water........

Anyway I was tired and E, who had also been woken by the histrionics, was tired, and neither of us do tired well at all.  J of course could sleep all day but the two of us had to get up and go about our daily work, E at school and me in the house so by the end of the day we were both weary and irritable which caused a bit of friction between us.  And the first thought I had was that I wanted a drink.  Old habits, and I talked myself around and through it but this isn't going to anywhere near as easy as I thought it would be now the novelty of it is wearing off and real life is settling back in.

I am also, as the fog clears, going through the events of that Friday night, and the days that followed and I feel a lot of resentment towards the police, one of them in particular, and my son.  I can't help it, it's how I feel and I need to work through that as well.  I am still considering whether I will lodge a formal complaint against Const. Plod as I feel he failed to act on what was a duty of care towards me. 

Someone on the Facebook group for alcoholics that I am on made a comment about figuring out what led us to drinking in the first place and that is something I need to think about.  I'm pretty sure I know, and there isn't a lot I can do about most of what happened in the past, except accept it and move on and do better with what I have and what I know now. 

One thing that has astounded and surprised me, is the number of young, very young, women who have alcohol problems.  It is sad and very worrying.  But I wish I had gotten a handle on this when I was in my 20s before it did so much damage to my life, and the lives of the people who love me and depended on me.

Strange

I got woken up by the cats scratching at my bedroom door, normally they sleep out in the family room at night but someone let them into the hallway.  I lay there awake, feeling crook with this cold I am fighting and for some reason thought of the wine that is in the garage.  E took it out there rather than throw it away as Husband likes a glass of red and I use the white in cooking.  I imagined myself going out there (in the cold and rain) opening up the garage door and disturbing the dog who sleeps out there in his kennel, and getting a bottle of the red.  I imagined pouring a glass and drinking it, thinking it would help me go back to sleep and ease my scratchy throat and cough.  What the fuck?  I have had zero interest in drinking for nearly three weeks.  I eventually went back to sleep and woke up feeling okay, yet a bit tired, this morning.  I am going to tell E about it and get her to throw it all away.  I had a half a bottle of the red in the kitchen after using some of it in a pasta sauce, and asked Josh to take it away as I didn't want to look at it.  He has it in his room so will get him to throw that away as well.  I didn't think I would be tempted, and I am surprised that I was but it is what it is, and alcoholism seems to have a mind and life of its own.  If there is no booze on the premises it will make it a LOT harder for me to relapse as I will have to buy it in this small town and risk being seen and found out.  Not that I think I would do that, but I also didn't think I would lie awake imagining myself drinking again at 3.30am!

I am slowly getting this house in order after so long of neglecting it.  I cleaned out the kitchen fridge and the pantry yesterday, and threw away bags of out of date food.  I want to slowly go through the house, drawers, cupboards, everything and get it ship shape. I feel so much better when things are neat and tidy and the house is running smoothly.

My itchiness is subsiding and the headaches aren't so frequent.  I am using pain killers, probably too much, but it's better than drinking and I will cut back on those as I feel better.  Not eating quite so much either and being mindful of what I am putting into my body. 

It's raining here, great for the farmers as it came just at the right time for the crops, but it's making getting washing dry a bit difficult but I will manage.  I can't believe how much energy I have and how excited I am about being able to do all the things I have been putting off while in a drunken state for so long.  (I think I need to get out more).

Day 18. Clarity.

My mind is clearing.  Slowly, very slowly.  I knew this was going to be a process and a long one.  Alcohol has been an increasingly large part of my life for 30 years.  From the reading and research I have done, I knew that my brain would take time to become "normal" again.  It's interesting that I am not dwelling overly on the events of that Friday night, as I would normally do.  I can look back, see what happened and file it, knowing that if it hadn't happened I would probably still be drinking my way to an early death and still hurting my children.  Husband tells my I rang his mother when I was drunk complaining about him.  I find this hard to believe, and he often messes with my head like that.  I would have had to find an address book to look up her number, and she is the last person I would reach out to anyway, certainly not to complain about her precious baby who can do no wrong.  In any case, it's not important.  It's all about moving forward now, getting myself well, and holding onto my sobriety, which I am beginning to realise is a very important thing to me. 

My marriage is far from happy.  Husband has his own issues, anger, control, immaturity and he seems a bit lost now he can't blame my drinking for a lot of our problems.  I have accepted that I cannot, and will not, leave.  I need to rebuild my own life and find happiness for myself in things outside the marriage.  He is not all bad, he has many good parts to him.  He has trouble supporting me emotionally, he doesn't do emotions very well.  He is not drinking at home at all, but that is more about him than me, I know that.  he needs to be seen as "the good guy" to others, and to the kids.  They, of course, see right through him but love him anyway, as they should, as they do me.  In the past he was very threatened each time I tried to stop drinking, and would actually encourage me to drink, bring home bottles of nice wine, suggest going out to drinking venues.  And I would cave of course.  This is not to blame him, but it was one more hurdle I had to get past, and I didn't manage to do that.  Then. 

I have realised that it is my relationships that are triggers for me.  Left on my own I have no desire to drink.  But when any difficulty or unpleasantness occurs with Husband or kids the old reactions surface.  This is a good realisation, I can't avoid having interactions with my family, I just need to learn new ways of dealing with them.  What we all need to do right now is be kind to each other, and to ourselves.  E is struggling with school, but she is amazing in how she just won't give up, she is pushing through in spite of how awful things must have been for her with my drinking.  J is lost, having dropped out just months before he finished year 12.  I have decided not to worry about them as I used to, E is an adult and J will be 18 in a few months.  I will just support them and love them and be here for them, trusting that all will work out for them in the end.  This is a great freedom for me, as most of my stress in the past ten years or so has been with the kids and their schooling and the difficulties they have had.  It's up to them now to work out their future plans, it's not my responsibility any more.

I am enjoying my days, being more productive, but getting tired quickly so not trying to do too much and stopping when I need to, unlike the old me who would stress if everything wasn't done in the time frame I set for myself. 

Slow and steady, this is a lifetime journey.  I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get sober, but I can't go back, I can't change what has happened.  All I can do is strive to make a better life for myself and be the person I want to be.

Day 13. The Monster Within.

Are there really two of me?  When I am sober I am gentle, loving, kind, nurturing and understanding.  My children tell me that when I am drunk I am a "monster".  I do and say things that seem so unlike how I see myself.  And yet it IS me.  My behaviour on that Friday night was as if I had been possessed by something or someone who was so far from the "real" me that it was truly frightening.  But alcohol isn't a being, it's a substance, so the "monster" that comes out when I am drunk has to be as much me as the sober me.  What is it in me that is so damaged and hateful?  Where does that come from?

I work with elderly people as a volunteer and I would do anything to protect them, I would take a bullet for my kids and grandkids, I would stand by my husband through anything (and have done).  How do I reconcile that person with the drunk who abuses, and rages and destroys?  Of course, that person will never resurface because I don't intend to ever drink alcohol again, but the questions still remain about that inner me.  My daughter, who is 19,  is very open and honest (a polite way of putting it) and she has told me how I behave and how it has affected them, and while it's hard to hear, I am so glad she can do that.  I can probably learn a lot of information from her as time goes on, but for now I am steering clear of that conversation while she re focusses on her school work which went by the wayside during the latest drama.  She was amazingly supportive and solid, even after the way I treated her.  We have had some really good talks, and I can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me (for my thoughts and feelings) but I have to be careful not to put too much on her, she is my child, not my friend and has her own issues to deal with.  And I'm not putting too much on myself either, I am just taking it slowly and letting thoughts and feelings come when they come.  My brain is slowly clearing, I have noticed my thought processes are becoming increasingly more rational.  I haven't had any anxiety episodes, which I had put down to menopause and I am not constantly worrying about every little thing, like I was.  I am beginning to see that alcohol affects way more than just the time when we are actively intoxicated.  Its effects are far reaching, touching every part of the body and mind and colouring every part of life and relationships.