Day Eight and What a Week.

I think I always knew that it would take something fairly drastic to make me finally stop drinking for good.  I have tried many, many times over the years to stop, I have been to doctors, counsellors, even AA (that was forced on me and after every meeting I was so depressed I just wanted to find a pub).  I have tried moderation (yeah, right, anyone who can drink in moderation doesn't have to "try").  Almost every bad decision, poor choice and stupid mistake has had something to do with drinking.  I should have been dead several times.

This time however the shit really hit the fan last Friday night and while I am too tired to go into it right now, it involved police, a womens' refuge, my children threatening to disown me, and a close brush with jail time and homelessness.  I am now court ordered to not drink basically, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

I didn't drink much at all until I was about 25, when my first husband left me, pregnant and with two little girls under five.  Once the baby was born and things settled down I had a social life for the first time in my adult life, having married and had children so young at just 18.  My ex would have the kids every second weekend and that was my time to party, and party I did.  Even so the drinking wasn't all that extreme.  


I met my current husband in 1993 and he liked a drink as much as I did, so now I had a live in drinking buddy, until I got pregnant with our daughter.  When she died from SIDS at four and a half months that was probably a turning point for me with the amount I was drinking and it didn't get much better from there, apart from my two subsequent pregnancies. 

I had been on a week's (at least) bender before the drama unfolded Friday week ago.  It has taken me a week to detox, and I don't think I'm quite finished yet to be honest.  At the refuge the next morning I was shaking, sick and weak.  I made my way home, and stayed two nights in a motel as I wasn't allowed into my house by the terms of the AVO the police had slapped on me on behalf of my children (and rightly so).  Thankfully on Monday morning the judge took pity on me and allowed me to return home, while still keeping all the other orders intact.  I was never so glad to be back in my own home, with my family, who have forgiven me and are being very loving and supportive (when I really don't deserve it after what I have put them through).  My appetite has returned and I am estimating a blow out to about 180kg by next week. ;)  I don't care, it's nice to want to eat again, and to actually taste food, rather than always having the taste of wine in my mouth and the smell of it all over me. 

It's early days, and I have been at this stage many times and know it's the weeks to come that will be the challenge for me.  So this will be my journal, I hope it will help me, and perhaps later, even other people.  I know I am strong, I lost my way for a long time, but the events of last weekend reminded me just how tough and strong I really am and I will get through this and come out the other side, better, healthier, happier and that will have a flow on effect on my poor hurt family.

Strange thing today, is I keep thinking I should be feeling guilty about something, I guess that had become my way of life for so long, hiding, secrets, lies, shame.  But no more, I have nothing to be guilty of.  Hey I should write a song about that......................