Day 51 and Fighting off the Bitter

I have always thought there are few things less attractive than a bitter woman.  You know, that woman of a "certain age" who has had one too many disappointments, learned one too many hard lessons and had the cat's bum mouth to show for it.  I vowed I would never be like that.  I remember, as a newlywed teenager, hearing my older sister making derogatory comments about men and thinking I would never feel like that.  Take responsiblity for your own choices I say, and live with the consequences whatever they may be.  These thoughts have been on my mind lately.  Whenever I feel that bitter little wave start to creep up I talk to myself and look back and see my own mistakes, the wrong turns that led me to where I am today.  The well intentioned but naive ideas I had about what would make me, and my child, happy back when I was a single mother of a pre-schooler.

Did I expect too much from my marriage and my husband?  What defines a "good" marriage anyway?  Now, as I settle into my newly sober self, I am trying to figure out what is real and what I convinced myself was real.  I know I had a lot of skewed ideas and attitudes under the influence of alcohol.  Do I have to re programme myself now?  Or do I just have to get to know myself again with a clearer mind.  Even seven weeks on I don't feel that my brain is working properly, perhaps it never will again.  I feel like I am still standing back a bit and observing the changes in myself.  I know I am becoming more, what some would call, selfish.  Taking care of my own needs more, not blindly putting my family first ALL the time.  Trying to encourage the kids (who really aren't kids anymore) to be a bit more independent.  I tended to be a bit over the top in doing everything for them when I was drinking to try to compensate I guess. 

Husband bought two bottles of red wine yesterday.  I told him it doesn't bother me at all and it doesn't now.  I even went into the bottle shop with him and looked at those casks of wine and shuddered a bit at the memories they evoked in me.  He sat on his own (he is silly enough sober) last night and drank them.  I hoped he would sleep out here on the lounge but he stumbled to bed some time after midnight and snored and sprawled as he always does when he's drunk.  I have no desire to drink now.  I admit that when I have a run in with one of the kids, or the husband is particularly stupid and hurtful I look for something to escape into, but I just go with that and do something else and know that drinking is not the answer.  To anything.  For anyone.  Ever.

I am living my life, enjoying it for the most part, feeling positive, consuming too much sugar still but that's okay for now, and enjoying not feeling like I am slowly going insane.  In fact I feel like I'm slowly going sane.  How about that? 

On Wednesday I will get my diamond stud earrings out of lay by to celebrate my 50 days sober which was yesterday.  And will choose another piece of jewellery to celebrate the 100.  I am thinking a ring, or a bracelet.