Day 29 - Mind Games

Last night I was tired.  Again.  I had planned an easy day, but with my renewed energy I just couldn't leave things undone and continued getting the house cleaned and organised, which is a good thing of course.  I feel so much calmer and happier when my surroundings are clean and ordered.  But by day's end I was weary yet restless.  I thought how easy it would be to go across to the IGA and get some booze.  I stood at my bedroom window and looked at the carpark.  The kids were holed up in their rooms, they wouldn't even know if I had wine in my room.  Once I had fed them they probably wouldn't surface again for the whole night, and husband was away working till the early hours of Sunday.  I imagined driving over there, what I would buy, how it would feel to open the bottle (bottles are easier to hide than casks), to pour the wine, to take that first sip.  Then I imagined how angry and disappointed E would be if she found out, how angry and disappointed I would be in myself.  Also, what if someone saw me in the bottle shop?  By law I am not supposed to be in this house within 12 hours of consuming alcohol.  There was a real chance of me going to jail if I was found out.  All of these thoughts, the what ifs, the old justifications, excuses, reasons.  I was surprised and frightened at the way I was thinking after feeling so good these past four weeks.  I guess I worked through it all, and the danger passed and I was okay, and didn't think about drinking again, or want to.  I have however thought about the games my mind played, that I allowed it to play. 

Today I attended an online "voice" meeting on the SMART Recovery US site.  It was amazing, and so, so helpful.  The facilitator was an older man, who has clearly been through it all and knew the programme very well.  I stayed right until the end and will continue to attend as many meetings there as I can and will be looking into the programme.  It is big on CBT which I am very interested in and I think it will help me with the above thought process problems.  I know that I am still not thinking as clearly as I could be, perhaps I never will, I don't know how much damage all these years of drinking to excess has done to my brain and if it can recover at the age I am (55).  I know my body, amazingly, is responding to a healthier lifestyle already.  I will cut down on sugar and caffeine soon, both of these substances held no interest for me while I was drinking, for obvious reasons.  And I know why I am hooking into them now. 

As soon as I get my bank account sorted out, closing my old one and opening a new one here in town, I will start saving for the aged care course I want to start next year.  I left it too late this year and wasn't prepared but I am determined do it.  I love my volunteer work with Meals on Wheels, especially now I am the regular carer on the monthly outings and I want to try to make a career out of working with older people.  I mainly joined MOW just to get me out of the house and as a stepping stone to getting back into paid work, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed working and being with our clients.

On a vainer note (is vainer a word?) I have used the dollars I would have wasted on grog to start to invest in some good quality skin care after years of using supermarket brands.  Which of course served me well during my younger years, but I am enjoying the benefits already of a good day cream, night cream and eye serum.  I swear I only look 54 1/2!

Day 26 - Tiredness

Was woken up at 5am by J with stomach pains, he is a drama king, which makes it very hard to know when he is really sick.  He has every medical test known to man, and while he does have a small hiatus hernia, and the doctor told him he needs to exercise and eat healthily (he does neither) I don't think the pain is caused by that but by his appalling diet.  I cook meals from scratch every day, and include lots of fresh vegetables, and there is always fresh fruit and healthy food available but you can lead a horse to water........

Anyway I was tired and E, who had also been woken by the histrionics, was tired, and neither of us do tired well at all.  J of course could sleep all day but the two of us had to get up and go about our daily work, E at school and me in the house so by the end of the day we were both weary and irritable which caused a bit of friction between us.  And the first thought I had was that I wanted a drink.  Old habits, and I talked myself around and through it but this isn't going to anywhere near as easy as I thought it would be now the novelty of it is wearing off and real life is settling back in.

I am also, as the fog clears, going through the events of that Friday night, and the days that followed and I feel a lot of resentment towards the police, one of them in particular, and my son.  I can't help it, it's how I feel and I need to work through that as well.  I am still considering whether I will lodge a formal complaint against Const. Plod as I feel he failed to act on what was a duty of care towards me. 

Someone on the Facebook group for alcoholics that I am on made a comment about figuring out what led us to drinking in the first place and that is something I need to think about.  I'm pretty sure I know, and there isn't a lot I can do about most of what happened in the past, except accept it and move on and do better with what I have and what I know now. 

One thing that has astounded and surprised me, is the number of young, very young, women who have alcohol problems.  It is sad and very worrying.  But I wish I had gotten a handle on this when I was in my 20s before it did so much damage to my life, and the lives of the people who love me and depended on me.

Strange

I got woken up by the cats scratching at my bedroom door, normally they sleep out in the family room at night but someone let them into the hallway.  I lay there awake, feeling crook with this cold I am fighting and for some reason thought of the wine that is in the garage.  E took it out there rather than throw it away as Husband likes a glass of red and I use the white in cooking.  I imagined myself going out there (in the cold and rain) opening up the garage door and disturbing the dog who sleeps out there in his kennel, and getting a bottle of the red.  I imagined pouring a glass and drinking it, thinking it would help me go back to sleep and ease my scratchy throat and cough.  What the fuck?  I have had zero interest in drinking for nearly three weeks.  I eventually went back to sleep and woke up feeling okay, yet a bit tired, this morning.  I am going to tell E about it and get her to throw it all away.  I had a half a bottle of the red in the kitchen after using some of it in a pasta sauce, and asked Josh to take it away as I didn't want to look at it.  He has it in his room so will get him to throw that away as well.  I didn't think I would be tempted, and I am surprised that I was but it is what it is, and alcoholism seems to have a mind and life of its own.  If there is no booze on the premises it will make it a LOT harder for me to relapse as I will have to buy it in this small town and risk being seen and found out.  Not that I think I would do that, but I also didn't think I would lie awake imagining myself drinking again at 3.30am!

I am slowly getting this house in order after so long of neglecting it.  I cleaned out the kitchen fridge and the pantry yesterday, and threw away bags of out of date food.  I want to slowly go through the house, drawers, cupboards, everything and get it ship shape. I feel so much better when things are neat and tidy and the house is running smoothly.

My itchiness is subsiding and the headaches aren't so frequent.  I am using pain killers, probably too much, but it's better than drinking and I will cut back on those as I feel better.  Not eating quite so much either and being mindful of what I am putting into my body. 

It's raining here, great for the farmers as it came just at the right time for the crops, but it's making getting washing dry a bit difficult but I will manage.  I can't believe how much energy I have and how excited I am about being able to do all the things I have been putting off while in a drunken state for so long.  (I think I need to get out more).

Day 18. Clarity.

My mind is clearing.  Slowly, very slowly.  I knew this was going to be a process and a long one.  Alcohol has been an increasingly large part of my life for 30 years.  From the reading and research I have done, I knew that my brain would take time to become "normal" again.  It's interesting that I am not dwelling overly on the events of that Friday night, as I would normally do.  I can look back, see what happened and file it, knowing that if it hadn't happened I would probably still be drinking my way to an early death and still hurting my children.  Husband tells my I rang his mother when I was drunk complaining about him.  I find this hard to believe, and he often messes with my head like that.  I would have had to find an address book to look up her number, and she is the last person I would reach out to anyway, certainly not to complain about her precious baby who can do no wrong.  In any case, it's not important.  It's all about moving forward now, getting myself well, and holding onto my sobriety, which I am beginning to realise is a very important thing to me. 

My marriage is far from happy.  Husband has his own issues, anger, control, immaturity and he seems a bit lost now he can't blame my drinking for a lot of our problems.  I have accepted that I cannot, and will not, leave.  I need to rebuild my own life and find happiness for myself in things outside the marriage.  He is not all bad, he has many good parts to him.  He has trouble supporting me emotionally, he doesn't do emotions very well.  He is not drinking at home at all, but that is more about him than me, I know that.  he needs to be seen as "the good guy" to others, and to the kids.  They, of course, see right through him but love him anyway, as they should, as they do me.  In the past he was very threatened each time I tried to stop drinking, and would actually encourage me to drink, bring home bottles of nice wine, suggest going out to drinking venues.  And I would cave of course.  This is not to blame him, but it was one more hurdle I had to get past, and I didn't manage to do that.  Then. 

I have realised that it is my relationships that are triggers for me.  Left on my own I have no desire to drink.  But when any difficulty or unpleasantness occurs with Husband or kids the old reactions surface.  This is a good realisation, I can't avoid having interactions with my family, I just need to learn new ways of dealing with them.  What we all need to do right now is be kind to each other, and to ourselves.  E is struggling with school, but she is amazing in how she just won't give up, she is pushing through in spite of how awful things must have been for her with my drinking.  J is lost, having dropped out just months before he finished year 12.  I have decided not to worry about them as I used to, E is an adult and J will be 18 in a few months.  I will just support them and love them and be here for them, trusting that all will work out for them in the end.  This is a great freedom for me, as most of my stress in the past ten years or so has been with the kids and their schooling and the difficulties they have had.  It's up to them now to work out their future plans, it's not my responsibility any more.

I am enjoying my days, being more productive, but getting tired quickly so not trying to do too much and stopping when I need to, unlike the old me who would stress if everything wasn't done in the time frame I set for myself. 

Slow and steady, this is a lifetime journey.  I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get sober, but I can't go back, I can't change what has happened.  All I can do is strive to make a better life for myself and be the person I want to be.

Day 13. The Monster Within.

Are there really two of me?  When I am sober I am gentle, loving, kind, nurturing and understanding.  My children tell me that when I am drunk I am a "monster".  I do and say things that seem so unlike how I see myself.  And yet it IS me.  My behaviour on that Friday night was as if I had been possessed by something or someone who was so far from the "real" me that it was truly frightening.  But alcohol isn't a being, it's a substance, so the "monster" that comes out when I am drunk has to be as much me as the sober me.  What is it in me that is so damaged and hateful?  Where does that come from?

I work with elderly people as a volunteer and I would do anything to protect them, I would take a bullet for my kids and grandkids, I would stand by my husband through anything (and have done).  How do I reconcile that person with the drunk who abuses, and rages and destroys?  Of course, that person will never resurface because I don't intend to ever drink alcohol again, but the questions still remain about that inner me.  My daughter, who is 19,  is very open and honest (a polite way of putting it) and she has told me how I behave and how it has affected them, and while it's hard to hear, I am so glad she can do that.  I can probably learn a lot of information from her as time goes on, but for now I am steering clear of that conversation while she re focusses on her school work which went by the wayside during the latest drama.  She was amazingly supportive and solid, even after the way I treated her.  We have had some really good talks, and I can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me (for my thoughts and feelings) but I have to be careful not to put too much on her, she is my child, not my friend and has her own issues to deal with.  And I'm not putting too much on myself either, I am just taking it slowly and letting thoughts and feelings come when they come.  My brain is slowly clearing, I have noticed my thought processes are becoming increasingly more rational.  I haven't had any anxiety episodes, which I had put down to menopause and I am not constantly worrying about every little thing, like I was.  I am beginning to see that alcohol affects way more than just the time when we are actively intoxicated.  Its effects are far reaching, touching every part of the body and mind and colouring every part of life and relationships. 

Too Easy?

I am not struggling at all.  I feel like a fraud even keeping this blog.  I had one moment last night while getting dinner when I wanted a drink but that passed very quickly.  I am sleeping really well, and feel on top of the world, although I am very tired by the end of the day, but I am active again instead of just sitting in my room either drinking or recovering from drinking.  Is this a honeymoon phase?  Are the really tough times ahead?  I've been to the club with the family for lunch, and to the pub yesterday with Husband for lunch and had no desire for a drink, even though yesterday he had a beer (after clearing it with me first).  I am loving feeling "normal" and clear headed and getting things done again, and being able to watch tv, have conversations, and phone calls and remembering it all the next day.  My remorse at the things I have done, especially that Friday night, is in check and seems at the right level.  I am concentrating on moving forward, and while apologetic to my family, not dwelling on the disasters that drinking led me into.  MY drinking, I say it like it's a separate entity. 

I need to read back over some of my fellow bloggers to see if they went through something similar in the early days.  I honestly have no desire, or interest in, drinking at the moment.  Is it because I know the consequence will be swift and dire if I do? (Kids signing off on me, and the possibility of going to jail). 

I will continue to blog, as I suspect there are harder times ahead for me.

Sleep and a little Pay Back

I woke this morning with a smile on my face, feeling happy and rested for the first time in a very long time.  I had the bed to myself because husband was away working, so that helped (no snoring) and of course no alcohol in my system.  Of course the smile had just a little to do with a bit of harmless "pay back" in regard to my son.  On the night I was told to leave my home I walked up the street a bit and hid in a  neighbour's carport till the police left then came back home and got into bed.  It was late and cold by this time and I just wanted to sleep it off.  At that point the AVO only said I couldn't come near the house if I was intoxicated, and of course I still was but was going to go straight to sleep and have nothing more to do with anyone else.  I begged the kids to just leave me alone and not ring the police again and promised to just go to sleep.  Egged on by my son's "friend" a nasty piece of work who is way too involved with our business, the kids got dressed and said they were going for a walk.  They walked alright, straight down to the police station to tell them I was back in the house.  So then the police arrived back with a revised AVO (I wasn't to find that out till I sobered up the next day) which said I couldn't come near the house under any circumstances and it was then that I was taken to the refuge.  I can understand that the kids were frightened, but I was asleep in bed and would have stayed that way till morning.

Anyway, last evening Son comes to me and asks what time dinner will be ready.  I told him it was just a matter of heating up some pulled beef for quesadilla or tacos and I can do that whenever he is ready.  He said he was going to hang out with his friends.  This was about 4.30pm.  I heard nothing more from him, he has no phone, but he has our numbers.  Daughter and I went about our evening, had dinner, and went to bed.  At about 12.50am I was woken by the sensor light on the front porch and noises.  I heard a car idling and realised it was Son and his friend.  Son has a key but says he can't get it to work and I think he's lost it anyway.  He didn't knock, my bedroom door is metres away from the front door and I have a set of French doors leading out onto the verandah even closer to where I sleep.  No knocking, no calling out, no phone call.  So I just lay there and listened.  He rattled the screen door (it wasn't locked. ???) and I heard the car drive off but he was still out there.  I waited, I wouldn't have let him stay out there in the cold of course (or would I??? muwhahah).  Eventually the car came back and they left.  Why he didn't just stay at Horrible Friend's house as he usually does is anyone's guess, but I had a bit of an evil chuckle as I thought of his frustration at not being able to GET INTO HIS OWN HOUSE.

It's a cold, foggy Sunday morning and I feel wonderful.  I have had no cravings since a few niggly ones last weekend when E and I were in the motel.  I know this means nothing this early in the piece.  My dependence, while it definitely became physical in the end, is more of an emotional and mental one and the challenge will be coping with difficulties and problems as they will inevitably occur.  It's a little weird to get my head around the fact that I can never drink alcohol again, it's been such a huge part of my life for so very long.  It's been my friend, my comfort, my escape.  I got to the stage a few months ago, when everything seemed so hopeless and there appeared to my foggy thought process, that there was no way out, that I decided I would drink myself to death.  What a great idea, solves everything for everybody.  But it's not that simple is it?  You don't just get drunk and die, well some do but I wouldn't have.  It would have been a long, drawn out painful process for everyone involved, not least my children.  This is what poison does to a mind.  I really believed that my husband had me pinned down on the bed, trying to choke me.  What really happened, and I have witnesses, is that he came to give me my wallet as I sat on the edge of the bed and I lunged at him and he pushed me away and I ended up on my back.  The children told me later they saw me sitting on the bed pushing my own thumbs into my neck to make bruises.  Why would I do that?  Crazy, poisoned brain.

Enough of Friday night, although I need to keep the events in mind as a reminder of how close I came to losing my sanity, my family, my home and everything.

I am hoping that by keeping this journal, which for now is off limits to all but other "recovery" bloggers, I can unravel the reasons for my drinking and explore the events, the thought processes and the choices that led me to Friday night.  I have chosen, for now, not to do rehab, and not to see a "counsellor".  I have tried that, and one of the last things she said to me was that I "could have a drink".  WTF?  What alcohol counsellor says that?  She also kept cancelling appointments.  Geez I'm the drunk, that's my MO.

For now, I am concentrating on getting my body healthy and well and being gentle on myself.  I know myself well enough, now the booze is leaving my system to know what I need now.  I am eating too much, but mostly healthy stuff and that's okay, I know that will settle down, I've been starving myself for too long.  Yesterday I made vegie and lentil soup and had corned beef and vegies for dinner.  I am taking my supplements and my anti depressant and have discovered a new morning drink.  I read somewhere that cayenne pepper can help with cravings, which I haven't really had, but I figured it couldn't hurt so I am squeezing a lemon into water first thing with a good dash of cayenne and having that before my morning cuppa.  I am trying to get a walk every day, and dragging anyone who wants to come, with me, and am slowly getting the house back in order, while still being easy on myself and taking plenty of time to rest and think and reflect.  My mindfullness skills, learned on a course I did when E was having therapy are coming back and I am finding it quite useful, funny how things stick at the back of the brain only to come to the fore when needed.

Day Eight and What a Week.

I think I always knew that it would take something fairly drastic to make me finally stop drinking for good.  I have tried many, many times over the years to stop, I have been to doctors, counsellors, even AA (that was forced on me and after every meeting I was so depressed I just wanted to find a pub).  I have tried moderation (yeah, right, anyone who can drink in moderation doesn't have to "try").  Almost every bad decision, poor choice and stupid mistake has had something to do with drinking.  I should have been dead several times.

This time however the shit really hit the fan last Friday night and while I am too tired to go into it right now, it involved police, a womens' refuge, my children threatening to disown me, and a close brush with jail time and homelessness.  I am now court ordered to not drink basically, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

I didn't drink much at all until I was about 25, when my first husband left me, pregnant and with two little girls under five.  Once the baby was born and things settled down I had a social life for the first time in my adult life, having married and had children so young at just 18.  My ex would have the kids every second weekend and that was my time to party, and party I did.  Even so the drinking wasn't all that extreme.  


I met my current husband in 1993 and he liked a drink as much as I did, so now I had a live in drinking buddy, until I got pregnant with our daughter.  When she died from SIDS at four and a half months that was probably a turning point for me with the amount I was drinking and it didn't get much better from there, apart from my two subsequent pregnancies. 

I had been on a week's (at least) bender before the drama unfolded Friday week ago.  It has taken me a week to detox, and I don't think I'm quite finished yet to be honest.  At the refuge the next morning I was shaking, sick and weak.  I made my way home, and stayed two nights in a motel as I wasn't allowed into my house by the terms of the AVO the police had slapped on me on behalf of my children (and rightly so).  Thankfully on Monday morning the judge took pity on me and allowed me to return home, while still keeping all the other orders intact.  I was never so glad to be back in my own home, with my family, who have forgiven me and are being very loving and supportive (when I really don't deserve it after what I have put them through).  My appetite has returned and I am estimating a blow out to about 180kg by next week. ;)  I don't care, it's nice to want to eat again, and to actually taste food, rather than always having the taste of wine in my mouth and the smell of it all over me. 

It's early days, and I have been at this stage many times and know it's the weeks to come that will be the challenge for me.  So this will be my journal, I hope it will help me, and perhaps later, even other people.  I know I am strong, I lost my way for a long time, but the events of last weekend reminded me just how tough and strong I really am and I will get through this and come out the other side, better, healthier, happier and that will have a flow on effect on my poor hurt family.

Strange thing today, is I keep thinking I should be feeling guilty about something, I guess that had become my way of life for so long, hiding, secrets, lies, shame.  But no more, I have nothing to be guilty of.  Hey I should write a song about that......................