Day 29 - Mind Games

Last night I was tired.  Again.  I had planned an easy day, but with my renewed energy I just couldn't leave things undone and continued getting the house cleaned and organised, which is a good thing of course.  I feel so much calmer and happier when my surroundings are clean and ordered.  But by day's end I was weary yet restless.  I thought how easy it would be to go across to the IGA and get some booze.  I stood at my bedroom window and looked at the carpark.  The kids were holed up in their rooms, they wouldn't even know if I had wine in my room.  Once I had fed them they probably wouldn't surface again for the whole night, and husband was away working till the early hours of Sunday.  I imagined driving over there, what I would buy, how it would feel to open the bottle (bottles are easier to hide than casks), to pour the wine, to take that first sip.  Then I imagined how angry and disappointed E would be if she found out, how angry and disappointed I would be in myself.  Also, what if someone saw me in the bottle shop?  By law I am not supposed to be in this house within 12 hours of consuming alcohol.  There was a real chance of me going to jail if I was found out.  All of these thoughts, the what ifs, the old justifications, excuses, reasons.  I was surprised and frightened at the way I was thinking after feeling so good these past four weeks.  I guess I worked through it all, and the danger passed and I was okay, and didn't think about drinking again, or want to.  I have however thought about the games my mind played, that I allowed it to play. 

Today I attended an online "voice" meeting on the SMART Recovery US site.  It was amazing, and so, so helpful.  The facilitator was an older man, who has clearly been through it all and knew the programme very well.  I stayed right until the end and will continue to attend as many meetings there as I can and will be looking into the programme.  It is big on CBT which I am very interested in and I think it will help me with the above thought process problems.  I know that I am still not thinking as clearly as I could be, perhaps I never will, I don't know how much damage all these years of drinking to excess has done to my brain and if it can recover at the age I am (55).  I know my body, amazingly, is responding to a healthier lifestyle already.  I will cut down on sugar and caffeine soon, both of these substances held no interest for me while I was drinking, for obvious reasons.  And I know why I am hooking into them now. 

As soon as I get my bank account sorted out, closing my old one and opening a new one here in town, I will start saving for the aged care course I want to start next year.  I left it too late this year and wasn't prepared but I am determined do it.  I love my volunteer work with Meals on Wheels, especially now I am the regular carer on the monthly outings and I want to try to make a career out of working with older people.  I mainly joined MOW just to get me out of the house and as a stepping stone to getting back into paid work, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed working and being with our clients.

On a vainer note (is vainer a word?) I have used the dollars I would have wasted on grog to start to invest in some good quality skin care after years of using supermarket brands.  Which of course served me well during my younger years, but I am enjoying the benefits already of a good day cream, night cream and eye serum.  I swear I only look 54 1/2!