Day 13. The Monster Within.

Are there really two of me?  When I am sober I am gentle, loving, kind, nurturing and understanding.  My children tell me that when I am drunk I am a "monster".  I do and say things that seem so unlike how I see myself.  And yet it IS me.  My behaviour on that Friday night was as if I had been possessed by something or someone who was so far from the "real" me that it was truly frightening.  But alcohol isn't a being, it's a substance, so the "monster" that comes out when I am drunk has to be as much me as the sober me.  What is it in me that is so damaged and hateful?  Where does that come from?

I work with elderly people as a volunteer and I would do anything to protect them, I would take a bullet for my kids and grandkids, I would stand by my husband through anything (and have done).  How do I reconcile that person with the drunk who abuses, and rages and destroys?  Of course, that person will never resurface because I don't intend to ever drink alcohol again, but the questions still remain about that inner me.  My daughter, who is 19,  is very open and honest (a polite way of putting it) and she has told me how I behave and how it has affected them, and while it's hard to hear, I am so glad she can do that.  I can probably learn a lot of information from her as time goes on, but for now I am steering clear of that conversation while she re focusses on her school work which went by the wayside during the latest drama.  She was amazingly supportive and solid, even after the way I treated her.  We have had some really good talks, and I can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me (for my thoughts and feelings) but I have to be careful not to put too much on her, she is my child, not my friend and has her own issues to deal with.  And I'm not putting too much on myself either, I am just taking it slowly and letting thoughts and feelings come when they come.  My brain is slowly clearing, I have noticed my thought processes are becoming increasingly more rational.  I haven't had any anxiety episodes, which I had put down to menopause and I am not constantly worrying about every little thing, like I was.  I am beginning to see that alcohol affects way more than just the time when we are actively intoxicated.  Its effects are far reaching, touching every part of the body and mind and colouring every part of life and relationships.