Sleep and a little Pay Back

I woke this morning with a smile on my face, feeling happy and rested for the first time in a very long time.  I had the bed to myself because husband was away working, so that helped (no snoring) and of course no alcohol in my system.  Of course the smile had just a little to do with a bit of harmless "pay back" in regard to my son.  On the night I was told to leave my home I walked up the street a bit and hid in a  neighbour's carport till the police left then came back home and got into bed.  It was late and cold by this time and I just wanted to sleep it off.  At that point the AVO only said I couldn't come near the house if I was intoxicated, and of course I still was but was going to go straight to sleep and have nothing more to do with anyone else.  I begged the kids to just leave me alone and not ring the police again and promised to just go to sleep.  Egged on by my son's "friend" a nasty piece of work who is way too involved with our business, the kids got dressed and said they were going for a walk.  They walked alright, straight down to the police station to tell them I was back in the house.  So then the police arrived back with a revised AVO (I wasn't to find that out till I sobered up the next day) which said I couldn't come near the house under any circumstances and it was then that I was taken to the refuge.  I can understand that the kids were frightened, but I was asleep in bed and would have stayed that way till morning.

Anyway, last evening Son comes to me and asks what time dinner will be ready.  I told him it was just a matter of heating up some pulled beef for quesadilla or tacos and I can do that whenever he is ready.  He said he was going to hang out with his friends.  This was about 4.30pm.  I heard nothing more from him, he has no phone, but he has our numbers.  Daughter and I went about our evening, had dinner, and went to bed.  At about 12.50am I was woken by the sensor light on the front porch and noises.  I heard a car idling and realised it was Son and his friend.  Son has a key but says he can't get it to work and I think he's lost it anyway.  He didn't knock, my bedroom door is metres away from the front door and I have a set of French doors leading out onto the verandah even closer to where I sleep.  No knocking, no calling out, no phone call.  So I just lay there and listened.  He rattled the screen door (it wasn't locked. ???) and I heard the car drive off but he was still out there.  I waited, I wouldn't have let him stay out there in the cold of course (or would I??? muwhahah).  Eventually the car came back and they left.  Why he didn't just stay at Horrible Friend's house as he usually does is anyone's guess, but I had a bit of an evil chuckle as I thought of his frustration at not being able to GET INTO HIS OWN HOUSE.

It's a cold, foggy Sunday morning and I feel wonderful.  I have had no cravings since a few niggly ones last weekend when E and I were in the motel.  I know this means nothing this early in the piece.  My dependence, while it definitely became physical in the end, is more of an emotional and mental one and the challenge will be coping with difficulties and problems as they will inevitably occur.  It's a little weird to get my head around the fact that I can never drink alcohol again, it's been such a huge part of my life for so very long.  It's been my friend, my comfort, my escape.  I got to the stage a few months ago, when everything seemed so hopeless and there appeared to my foggy thought process, that there was no way out, that I decided I would drink myself to death.  What a great idea, solves everything for everybody.  But it's not that simple is it?  You don't just get drunk and die, well some do but I wouldn't have.  It would have been a long, drawn out painful process for everyone involved, not least my children.  This is what poison does to a mind.  I really believed that my husband had me pinned down on the bed, trying to choke me.  What really happened, and I have witnesses, is that he came to give me my wallet as I sat on the edge of the bed and I lunged at him and he pushed me away and I ended up on my back.  The children told me later they saw me sitting on the bed pushing my own thumbs into my neck to make bruises.  Why would I do that?  Crazy, poisoned brain.

Enough of Friday night, although I need to keep the events in mind as a reminder of how close I came to losing my sanity, my family, my home and everything.

I am hoping that by keeping this journal, which for now is off limits to all but other "recovery" bloggers, I can unravel the reasons for my drinking and explore the events, the thought processes and the choices that led me to Friday night.  I have chosen, for now, not to do rehab, and not to see a "counsellor".  I have tried that, and one of the last things she said to me was that I "could have a drink".  WTF?  What alcohol counsellor says that?  She also kept cancelling appointments.  Geez I'm the drunk, that's my MO.

For now, I am concentrating on getting my body healthy and well and being gentle on myself.  I know myself well enough, now the booze is leaving my system to know what I need now.  I am eating too much, but mostly healthy stuff and that's okay, I know that will settle down, I've been starving myself for too long.  Yesterday I made vegie and lentil soup and had corned beef and vegies for dinner.  I am taking my supplements and my anti depressant and have discovered a new morning drink.  I read somewhere that cayenne pepper can help with cravings, which I haven't really had, but I figured it couldn't hurt so I am squeezing a lemon into water first thing with a good dash of cayenne and having that before my morning cuppa.  I am trying to get a walk every day, and dragging anyone who wants to come, with me, and am slowly getting the house back in order, while still being easy on myself and taking plenty of time to rest and think and reflect.  My mindfullness skills, learned on a course I did when E was having therapy are coming back and I am finding it quite useful, funny how things stick at the back of the brain only to come to the fore when needed.